Excerpt: Free writing on the back of an Eileen’s Cheesecake order slip

2014-08-25 00.45.55

…Mostly, today has been full of water. From my desk, I can see the peace garden and the surrounding apartment buildings. I can judge how hard it’s raining by the funnel near the roof of one building. If it overflows, unable to channel water down the drainpipe, I know it’s pouring, and water is running down the streets w/actual currents. At that point, when the streets become rivers, I always pay attention to which ways the currents flow. They never seem to add up at first glance. The way they run into each other doesn’t seem to make sense, towards and against, independent of any continental divide. And then, w/enough time, you see the hills and valleys of the streets, no matter how slight. Imperceptible on clear days, these seemingly insignificant characteristics completely control the direction of the water. It always makes me pause and appreciate how the minute details count, whether people notice them or not. The height of the curb, the incline of gutter, that pothole. They all affect where these powerful waters go, and that affects everyone. The water falls down, runs back and forth, but you never see it go up. Even so, it disappears. Is that faith? Faith that the torrential waters will dissipate? For me, it’s more like evidence that everything is ephemeral. No matter how unrelenting the water seems, it will relent. Never will it go on forever. “AND THIS TOO WILL PASS AWAY,” right? This joy, this discomfort, this awkwardness, this pain and this contentedness will all fall away. They’ll flow into each other as all the tiny details quietly dictate, before they so unobtrusively evaporate into the ether.

I can’t help missing the beach right now…

15 July 2014

 

Excerpt: Domestic Correspondant III

…I’m currently drinking cran grape juice from a coffee mug (because I drink everything but coffee from mugs) and the design is sketches of fanciful insects. It’s Andy Warhol (who I will NEVER not love) and says “Happy Bug Day” on it. Inside the mug, a line of fine type runs below the lip w/the quote, “You need to let the little things that would ordinarily bore you suddenly thrill you.” Lately, that feels so difficult. It feels hard to let anything at all thrill me, and it’s the worst. It’s the classic knowing vs feeling thing. I know that Shakespeare wasn’t lying when he said you can find good in everything, and I know Henry Miller was right in saying every moment is golden to him who has the vision to see it as such…I know these things and believe them faithfully, but gosh, it feels overwhelmingly hard these days…

The world feels pretty empty and terrible right now. Really fucking terrible, to be honest. Still, I know that in the darkness, there are so many fighting the good fight to fill the world w/love and beauty again. And truly, I feel blessed (no hashtag) to know so many creatives, academics, educators, doctors, innovators, and just genuinely good and joyful people who perhaps don’t even know the value of their mere existence and the way they live and love. So many people I love are so very generous with themselves, w/their love and talents and various forms of brilliance. Even if I do nothing else, I think I would be happy if only I can help these people understand their self-worth, that they are doing something incredible, and they are loved. I think that would be enough.